The road to eco-hell is paved with good intentions. Future presidential hopeful Will Smith is following in Al Gore's footsteps, putting his green dollars where his mouth is. Well, actually, where his behind is to be more exact. It seems the gadget-loving actor has imported some high tech paperless toilets from Japan, which blast the user's bum with water and air, negating the need for a good old fashioned wipe.
"It's a gift from heaven, believe me. People think it's all about suction and that they're going to have their insides removed by this marvel of modern engineering - but it doesn't suck, it blows," said Smith to a reporter from The Daily Mail. "Not everyone can handle this thing emotionally, so I've made sure I also have a few normal toilets in my house."
Smith is obviously well intentioned where his bathroom habits are concerned, but I'm not sure I'd want to trust my intimates to his hi-tech air and water assault. Regardless, by the time these eco-latrines have been imported from Japan surely any environmental gain from the fact they're paperless has been negated by the carbon toll of their transport, and the energy consumed by their operation. And, since the prospect of using them is so unsettling, Smith was forced to install them alongside, rather than instead of, traditional ones to cater to those with nervous dispositions. So at this point you have to wonder whether Will and his WCs are ahead or behind in environmental terms.
Such a dilemma reminds me of the time a friend was remodeling a newly purchased condo. Before contracts on it could be exchanged, the three original, perfectly good toilets (two upstairs and one downstairs) had to be removed and replaced by low-flush toilets to comply with new codes brought in by well-meaning, conservation-conscious bureaucrats. However, the gauge for toilet waste pipes was standardized before the super-sizing of America, and this condo has been purchased by a rather substantial gentlemen, who produced rather substantial waste which the flow produced by "low flush" toilets couldn't begin to shift. To avoid constant blockages (imagine trying to propel a bowling ball up a straw with a trickle of water, and you'll get the picture), and to comply with the "low flush" laws, three special high tech vacuum models were installed. He'd now been through a total of nine toilets; And that was when the fun really started.
A few months, and many successful flushes, later, out of the blue my friend received a letter explaining that the vacuum super-toilets had been recalled since they had one fundamental flaw; they had a nasty habit of exploding. Worried about prospect of porcelain shards being propelled where the sun doesn't shine, my friend was again forced to weigh his, by now, very limited, options. Desperate measures were called for, since he now realized he risked life and limb (or bum and balls) each time he did a dump in one his apparently killer kharzies. At the suggestion of a Mexican plumber, three new "normal" toilets were smuggled north of the border. Of course, when the condo is eventually sold on, these contraband crappers will again have to be replaced.
And so, a simple homeowner, with larger than life human waste issues, put his life on the line, got caught up in a Mexican porcelain smuggling ring, and will have gone through a total of FIFTEEN toilets, all in the name of water conservation and the environment. Like I say, hell by good intentions.
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