America’s favorite underachiever Homer J. Simpson has incurred the wrath of Pagans with his latest publicity stunt to promote his upcoming movie, which hits theaters on Friday. A donut-wielding likeness of Homer has been painted on a hillside in Dorset, England, next to the sacred site of the Cerne Abbas Giant, a 17th century fertility symbol. The 180 foot ancient earthwork, which was created by cutting a twelve-inch wide trench in the hillside to expose the chalk beneath, features a prominent phallus, inside the boundaries of which, according to tradition, childless couples would make love in the hopes of boosting their chances of conceiving. The less well-endowed hillside image of Homer more modestly sports Y-fronts; one can only speculate as to what might befall couples that copulate in that specific region of the British countryside.
However this is no laughing matter according to local Pagans, who have been wishing for rain since the biodegradable painted image appeared. Indeed speculation of rain rituals caused the Pagan Federation to issue a denial on their website. “There are particularly no plans for a rain dance,” a spokesperson stated, blaming “a spectacular piece of misquoting by the tabloids” for the speculation. “That is not to say that we condone the use of scheduled ancient monuments and SSSIs for such stunts.” Fortunately such rituals, involving heather, fern, broom (a gorse-type plant) and rice, will most likely not be needed since Britain is currently experiencing one of the wettest summers on record.
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